Hope Article - A Deeper Pain Return to previous page
Author: Joseph Knable

“Whether your hurts are deep or relatively mild, it is wise to be honest about them in the context of affirming relationships so that healing can begin."
Robert McGee - The Search for Significance

There is an emptiness inside of us that grows each time we’re rejected or hurt by someone we trusted and loved. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than when I’ve been rejected—whether by girls, or friends, or family. I’ve spoken with dozens of guys, and I have yet to find one who doesn’t agree that pornography, masturbation, and even fornication can all be forms of escape from the pain that’s embedded in our hearts. Robert Daniels understood this when he wrote in The War Within, “For many men sexual orgasm provides an escape from pain and the hurts of the past.” Many guys even say that loneliness is a greater contributor to their struggle than lust. What can we do about this?

One major remedy is strong, God-honoring relationships. God made us to be in relationship with Him and others. First Corinthians 12:12–30 tells us that we need each other spiritually, and the same is true emotionally. I’m talking about building strong, meaningful friendships with both guys and girls who will love you, affirm you, listen to you, and laugh with you. During a Bible conference entitled “My Times Are in Your Hands,” Alistair Begg taught us that “if you have just one friend in this life whom you can share your heart with and who will not trample it all over town, you are rich.”

The more time I spend and the more I laugh with my dearest friends, the less prone I am to sexual temptation, and the easier it is to be content in my singleness. It is important that our closest friends are guys, but forging platonic friendships with girls can enrich our lives as well. Rebecca St. James agrees. She writes in her book Wait for Me, “Do you want to know how to not be so lonely while you’re waiting for ‘the one’? Invest in relationships with friends of the opposite sex. Not only will this help you realize that you’re not facing the world alone, but you will also learn from those relationships.”1 But when you do, just remember that girls can stumble emotionally as much as we can sexually; we should never become emotionally intimate with any woman other than our wife.

And how do we make these friends? I’ll risk the cliché to make the point: The best way to make friends is to be a friend. Give your life away and you will be amazed at how others will want to invest time in you (see John 12:25; 15:13).


Taken from Sex and the Single Guy: Winning Your Battle for Purity by Joseph Knable. Copyright 2005. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago. Used by Permission. To purchase Sex and the Single Guy: Winning Your Battle for Purity send an e-mail to mpcustomerservice@moody.edu or call 800-678-8812.